Pisces Iscariot

Yesterday, Wacks left for the US. I woke HaLo up at 5 in the morning to bring her dada to the airport. It was probably the saddest day of my life in a long time. Wacks and I haven’t been apart for more than a week in the five years that we’ve been together. And now, this. As I tell my friends whenever we talk about Wacks leaving for the US, I know I can never be prepared enough. A week prior to his departure, I thought I was so over the crying part. But I was mistaken. Last Wednesday, Wacks and I, we cried together while HaLo sleeps beside us peacefully. Apparently, it was only then that the fact started sinking in for him. We cried a lot, till 2 in the morning. From then on, I would find myself shedding a fresh batch of tears after tears whenever I’m alone or when I look at how innocent HaLo is of all that is happening around her and when she would say "Dada…" in the sweetest way.

After we dropped Wacks and his mom at the airport, HaLo and I headed for my mom’s place to seek comfort and refuge. At least I can forget about the sadness for a while. But when we got back home last night, it all came back to me. Now, HaLo and I sleep alone without her dada’s caring words and loving kisses. No more "funner games" for HaLo (because I’m always the serious disciplinarian and Wacks is the funner parent) or taking a bath together with the rubber duckies. As for me, no more late-night movies, dining out or simply cuddling. No more intellectual conversations. There’s nobody to bring out my fun side anymore. Above all, there’s nobody to share the joys and pains of raising our one and only daughter.

All of a sudden, I feel so empty. Zero. Just some minutes back, my mind went on to think about going home after work. Then I realized that there is really nothing to do when I make it home early. I would have dinner alone, play with HaLo for awhile, then bring her to sleep. There’s no one to listen to my stories about what happened to me throughout the day. No one to laugh with when HaLo does another one of her cute antics.

It’s so sad when someone you love goes far away from you. But it’s even sadder when you don’t know if or when you’ll be together again. There’s so much pain in uncertainty. I’ll probably just take one day at a time— flipping the calendar until it becomes a vicious cycle— until that day when my family becomes whole again. I miss us. But I do not only miss my other half, I miss my bestfriend, above all things. I just hope that everything’s still the same when the time comes that we can be together again.