Pisces Iscariot

I was there when it happened. After six years, the Ateneo de Manila University, my most beloved school, bagged the UAAP Championship. It was worth all the time and effort that I spent just to be there in Araneta when history is made.

On Tuesday prior to the game, I lined up for hours just to get a ticket for me and Wacks. I was in Ateneo by 10:30 a.m. (ticket selling starts at 2 p.m.) but I was the nth hundred person in line already. I skipped lunch and  just did my lesson plans while waiting for time to pass by. By the time I got to the ticket booth, only General Admission tickets were available for 50php each. I bought them anyway even if they weren’t the best seats in Araneta. On the much-awaited day of the event, even the bleachers were super full. But the fact that the Blue outnumbered the Green was overwhelming enough. Add to that the beat of the drums, the loud cheer of the crowd, the unity of the whole Ateneo community— I couldn’t wish for anything more. But then it happened. At 62-51, the Eagles won over the Archers. I was just sooo happy. Indeed, no Archer shot an Eagle on that fateful day of Sept. 25, 2008. =)

Back to work. Bah humbug! It’s so hard to get back to work coming from a busy birthday weekend. It all started Friday, the 9th of March. I honestly thought that it would just be another ordinary day in the workplace. I did not foresee that an ordinary day can turn out to be a great one. During our morning briefing, the Sales people in our office sang a Happy Bday song to me. When I was a kid, I didn’t like it when my classmates would sing Happy Bday to me. I always didn’t know how to react. I would just blush and blurt out a shy thank you. Years after, I guess I’ve grown mature enough to handle a simple Happy Bday song. I think for the first time in my life, I felt happy and important when the song was sung. (I also think it’s probably because I’m really, really far from being a shy girl now). I also wanna thank my close friends in the office, Mommy Teegee, who gave me a Bible for a gift first thing in the morning, and Eddie Johnson, for being a loudmouth… that’s why everybody knew that it was my birthday the next day. Hehehe…

Then came the cakes. Yup. It’s with an S. I got a total of three cakes that day. Before lunch, my former supervisor, Sir Mark, dropped by to give me this huge ice cream cake with mango topping from Conti’s. I’m not big on eating cakes so I decided to share it with everyone. I bought paper plates and plastic utensils and divided the cake.

Before 12:30pm, I left the office to move my car to a different parking. I was enjoying driving when the moment of truth came: I can’t park with the car facing front. I just find it so difficult. And so it happened. I drove the car to an available slot but I was too damn near a post. The back door, driver’s side, got scratched and dented because it really was THAT close to the damn post. But the damage was done. I left my car sulking. I called my hubby abroad, teary-eyed. My poor, poor Nikita…

I went back to my office with a heavy heart (but I still managed to get a pedicure before that). I went to Claire’s place to seek refuge but she too was burdened with something. I was slumped on a chair when another officemate, Jerran, passed by. I told him I was so sad because I damaged my car for a second time. He acknowledged me, went past me then came back with a surprise. It was a Red Ribbon Chocolate Mousse from him and Meng, our I.T. guy. Sweet! A candle was lit, another Happy Bday was sung, then I blew the candle. I just ate a small slice then shared the rest with the others who didn’t get to taste the ice cream cake. In the afternoon came another surprise. Mommy Linell, another officemate, came into our room to give me another cake. It was a white frosted cake with fruits—orange, grapes, cherry, etc.— on top. Unique! But everyone was too full by that time so I had no choice but to bring it home with me.

Claire and I could barely wait for work to end for that night, we were scheduled to eat and dance the night away at Temple Bar, Greenbelt. We changed into our gimmick clothes—I was wearing the black racerback Hooters top that Wacks sent me from San Francisco, a pair of skinny jeans scrunched up just below the knee, and a new pair of black stilettos. We were the first to arrive at Temple Bar so we ordered ahead of our friends. Shortly after that, Meng, Lady and Jerran came. We had dinner: Yang Chow Fried Rice, Kung Pao Chicken, Vietnamese Fish, Garlic Mushrooms and Chicken Drumettes. The food was so-so. Small serving and not-so-delicious to boot. We finished eating early so we had to wait long before Temple transforms to a bar. When it finally did, it was equally disappointing. The music was great coz it was RnB/hiphop. BUT THERE WASN’T ONE BODY ON THE DANCE FLOOR!!! Claire, Jerran and me could wait no more so we took the initiative to start the dancing. But nobody seemed to care. For what seemed to be an eternity, it was only the three of us on the dance floor. Some girls were dancing but only near their tables. Nobody had the guts in that darn place to groove in the middle of the bar. Haaay… We had to wait until about 12:30am before the dance floor got crowded. At around 1am, the songs were turning from good to better to best as my fave songs came on: Promiscuous Girl by Nelly Furtado & Timbaland, Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani & Akon, Smack That by Akon and Eminem, and, last but definitely not the least, I Wanna Love You by Akon & Snoop Dogg!!! At around 1:30am, we decided to leave the place and head for home (to be continued…)

Yesterday, Wacks left for the US. I woke HaLo up at 5 in the morning to bring her dada to the airport. It was probably the saddest day of my life in a long time. Wacks and I haven’t been apart for more than a week in the five years that we’ve been together. And now, this. As I tell my friends whenever we talk about Wacks leaving for the US, I know I can never be prepared enough. A week prior to his departure, I thought I was so over the crying part. But I was mistaken. Last Wednesday, Wacks and I, we cried together while HaLo sleeps beside us peacefully. Apparently, it was only then that the fact started sinking in for him. We cried a lot, till 2 in the morning. From then on, I would find myself shedding a fresh batch of tears after tears whenever I’m alone or when I look at how innocent HaLo is of all that is happening around her and when she would say "Dada…" in the sweetest way.

After we dropped Wacks and his mom at the airport, HaLo and I headed for my mom’s place to seek comfort and refuge. At least I can forget about the sadness for a while. But when we got back home last night, it all came back to me. Now, HaLo and I sleep alone without her dada’s caring words and loving kisses. No more "funner games" for HaLo (because I’m always the serious disciplinarian and Wacks is the funner parent) or taking a bath together with the rubber duckies. As for me, no more late-night movies, dining out or simply cuddling. No more intellectual conversations. There’s nobody to bring out my fun side anymore. Above all, there’s nobody to share the joys and pains of raising our one and only daughter.

All of a sudden, I feel so empty. Zero. Just some minutes back, my mind went on to think about going home after work. Then I realized that there is really nothing to do when I make it home early. I would have dinner alone, play with HaLo for awhile, then bring her to sleep. There’s no one to listen to my stories about what happened to me throughout the day. No one to laugh with when HaLo does another one of her cute antics.

It’s so sad when someone you love goes far away from you. But it’s even sadder when you don’t know if or when you’ll be together again. There’s so much pain in uncertainty. I’ll probably just take one day at a time— flipping the calendar until it becomes a vicious cycle— until that day when my family becomes whole again. I miss us. But I do not only miss my other half, I miss my bestfriend, above all things. I just hope that everything’s still the same when the time comes that we can be together again.

Time flies so fast. It’s now 2007. The future is here. But three days ago, it was still good ol’ 2006. So here I am, like a gradeschool student, writing a paper about what I think about the year that was and how I spent the last days of it.

Hmm… where do I start? Oh yes! The calendar begins with the month of January and so should I. January 2006 was very significant for me because that was the birth month of my daughter. On the 23rd day of January, my whole life suddenly changed. From then on, I am no longer the center of my life. The focus shifts from me to this newborn child entrusted to me. Wow! Big responsibility. But that day also gave a new meaning to the word happiness. And all of a sudden, I have realized my purpose in life.

Fast forward to December 2006. So far, so good. We have nurtured and cared for our bundle of joy quite perfectly, I should say. She’s a normal, happy and very healthy baby (she rarely gets sick… knock on wood…). She’s growing up so fast. Now, she’s learning many new things especially new words and she’s beginning to walk by herself. It is now very difficult to bring her with us to the mall coz she wouldn’t ride on the stroller. She just wants to walk and walk and walk while reaching out for objects that she should not be reaching. She now knows what she wants and would protest if she doesn’t get it. She’s talkative but very friendly. She likes babies (in fact, her first word is "baby"— not mama or dada), kids and old people alike. In short, she’s a very social person. In the church, when she sees kids, she would not hesitate to approach them. She also hugs them when she can. She eats almost everything but what’s weird is she likes to eat kamias.  She mimics and she does it quite well. She dances to every tune (hope she grows up to be a natural dancer and /or singer). She still loves milk, of course, but she also digs gadgets and other techie stuff. We have a techie baby! She knows how change the TV channel by pointing the remote control, she can pull the lock of the car door (very dangerous!), she likes celfones, and she really loves being behind the steering wheel as if her dada doesn’t know how to drive. And yesterday, she was able to shift the gearstick from D to S (another dangerous thing). Oh well! Probably you can say that it has been a very tiring year for me but all in all, I guess we’re doing a good job in the Parenting Department.

Needless to say, last Christmas was an important occasion for us. It is HaLo’s first Christmas ever. The wait to the Christmas Eve was rather uneventful. We spent the remaining hours in the mall, as usual, just like we always do almost every weekend. Before twelve midnight, we went to my Tita Gemma’s place where we and my immediate family had a sumptuous dinner of shrimp, Crsipy Pata, spaghetti, fried chicken and fish fillet. After that, we headed back home. Unfortunately, we got too tired we fell asleep before midnight only to wake up at dawn. Sadly, we missed our first Noche Buena as a family.

It’s Christmas Day. We had lunch with my paternal relatives, something that we do every year. This time we had it at my Ninang Minnie’s place. There, we got to have another round of really delicious food with the likes of shrimp, crab, salmon, salad, lechon and many others. Then there was the annual exchange gift (we liked the cash gifts best!). Then the videoke sessions and of course, the bingo. Wacks, my hubby, won 1.2k most probably because of Halo’s luck. My Tito Ariel, hoping to get some of the luck, wiped his card on HaLo’s arms and feet. Lo and behold! He and his wife won that round! My daughter is a bundle of luck! Hehehe…

As part of the yuletide hype, we brought HaLo to watch the Wonderful World of Dolphins with Sea Lions. Did I mention that she likes animals? She finds animals amusing. She hugs dogs, calls cats and laughs at chickens. Dolphins and sea lions are no different.

New Year’s Eve. We just stayed at home. Dada bought some firecrackers then we just watched the night sky grow bright from all the fireworks display. HaLo fell asleep at around 6pm but was awakened by the loud noise. She enjoyed the lights though and joined us in our bacon feast for media noche.

That’s it! May we all have a wonderful year ahead! Ciao! =)

Day 3: Saturday, September 30, 2006
I woke up with sore muscles due to yesterday’s walkathon. Today is a new day and today is Game 2 of the UAAP Finals. Tickets were sold-out so we’re just watching it in National Sports Grill (electricity is still out). My hubby got home from work at past 12 noon. He wasn’t ok coz of the traffic and the lack of sleep so we were on the verge of fighting. But we got to NSG just fine. There were still a number of empty tables when we arrived there. My hubby ordered pizza for his late lunch while we watched the Blue Eaglets defeat the Baby Tamaraws. We had to wait long coz of the awarding ceremonies and all while more and more people flock to the place, some are even standing at the back, to watch the Seniors’ match.

The game started at around 5 p.m. already. We are watching it with my hubby’s friend, Jaypee. After two hours of basketball, the Blue Eagles lost by a whopping 16 points to the Tigers. Championship? Not tonight.

After the game, we headed to our Las Piñas home to get clothes coz power is still out. Looks like we’re extending our stay with my mom for a few more days.

Day 4: Sunday, October 1, 2006
Got up at 5 in the morning to go to Araneta Coliseum and get tickets for Game 3. We arrived there at around 630 a.m., that early and the line is long already! Some camped out just to get first in line. My sister’s friends were there since 3 a.m. Wow! Anyway, the wait for the ticket booths to open at 9 a.m. was surprisingly pleasant. However, as 9 a.m. approaches, it is noticeable that the lines are getting thicker and not longer so the chances of getting good seats are slimmer. But I still got two Upper Box B tickets, thanks to my friend’s friend. Our other colleagues, Jaypee and Clint, had to go to Ateneo to buy their tickets there since the tickets in Araneta have been sold-out. We got out of Cubao by around 11 a.m. Whew! So much for a college basketball game…

Wow! Finally! Power is back!

Day 5: Monday, October 2, 2006
I decided to call in sick… because I’ll be watching the UAAP Finals Game 3 at 3 in the afternoon today. We had to be there early for fear of not getting good seats. We just got back from my mom’s house this morning and we have barely settled but we had to prepare to go to Araneta already. It’s so hot outside and my colds and headache were killing me. Add to that my hubby’s migraine and his car sans the air conditioning. All these equal to a petty fight. We were not speaking to each other until we had to. Due to the expectedly heavy traffic at the Araneta Center, we left the car at SM Mall of Asia and took the MRT to Cubao instead— a much more convenient alternative to bringing the car. We reached Araneta at half past 1 and proceeded to the Upper Box where our friends saved seats for us. We were dressed up in our school colors— me in a blue shirt and my hubby, in his Ateneo jacket over his white shirt— all geared up for the much-awaited game.

Drums beating, people chanting their respective school cheers, a dome packed full of fanatics clad in blue and yellow… That’s Araneta as we saw it before game started. First two points went to Ateneo. Cool! Second shot was made by UST… whoa! The cheer was louder than that of ours— the yellows very clearly outnumbered the blues in attendance. Good job by the Blue Eagles in first half, ended 37-31 (if I remember it right). Here comes the pep squad. Ateneo… traditional. UST… galeng! I find it amazing that their entire squad can do cartwheels! Is that a requirement or something? Anyway, it’s the third quarter now. WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Puro foul trouble ang Eagles. Damn! Ateneans are chanting: Luto! Luto! (It sure feels like it.) The second half went by so fast and so frustrating for us. Luckily it ended at 64-all. Overtime… 5 minutes of wasted chance for the blue side. Fate sides with the Tigers. Championship? Not this season. There’s always next year. Oh well… Give chance to others. Win or lose, it’s the school we choose anyway.

We had dinner at Aristocrat in SM Mall of Asia after a tiring and disappointing trip to and from far away Cubao. It’s now raining very hard. We picked up some groceries then headed for home. Unfortunately, the streets are already flooded by now and the car is not in top shape (there had been no air conditioning since two weeks ago). The engine would suddenly stop but my hubby was able to make it “crawl” until we reached the street before our house. We couldn’t go any further coz the flood was already a bit high. So we left the car where the water level is low and walked towards home amidst the rain and the mid-calf waters.

Wow… my 5-day weekend (actually, it’s 6 but there’s really nothing much to say about the 6th day)… everyday there is a disappointment or a misadventure.  Who can get any more misfortunate than I did on those fateful days?

Last Friday, amidst all my misadventures due to the super typhoon that struck the metro the previous day, I promised to myself that I would write a blog. So here it is…

Day 1: Thursday, September 28, 2006

I filed for a vacation leave for that afternoon because the Game 2 of the UAAP Finals between Ateneo and UST was happening then. Getting a ticket to watch the match live was not an issue. Catching the whole thing on TV was ok so long as I don’t get interrupted. But due to my very lazy nature, I decided to skip work in the morning thinking that I could use some quality time with Halo. I wake up at 5 a.m. on weekdays. At that time last Thursday, the typhoon was yet to arrive. But as the morning went by and the storm was really intent on destroying everything that stood on its path, I thanked the lazy me for being lazy; otherwise, I might have gotten stranded somewhere with that kind of wind. I had my breakfast at around 830 a.m. and the lights were already going on and off. At around 1030-1100 a.m., the lights finally went out for good without my knowing that it would take days before they would be restored. By the way, the game was postponed for Saturday. It’s ok, at least there’s a storm. My VL wouldn’t be wasted.

Day 2: Friday, September 29, 2006

I didn’t go to work as usual. The previous night went on all right in spite of the heat, the darkness and the mosquitoes. I thought lights would be back at any time before today’s daybreak but no. Add to that the fact that there is no more water coming out of the faucets. Patience, patience (even if my daughter, who is always hyperactive, was naliligo na sa pawis)… I am a very impatient person. I hate waiting. But iss there anything that I can do? Nothing really. The least I could do is to open the telephone directory and look for hotel phone numbers. It’s time to evacuate. So the whole morning, I was calling hotels and asking for their rates— but not really reserving a room (stupid me!). So I packed our bags (Halo’s bag was the heaviest) and headed straight to Greenbelt to have lunch. Since it was lunch time when we got there, the restos were jam-packed. My hubby made a comment that later would be known to us as a premonition: “I feel like Jesus,” he said, referring to that fateful night when Mama Mary and Joseph had no place to go to but the manger. So we had lunch at Blue Ginger then started our trek to Makati Shangri-La where we planned to check-in. We left the car in the Greenbelt carpark and walked to Makati Shang. My hubby approached the reception and inquired. Unfortunately, they were fully-booked so they wouldn’t accept walk-in guests. Our bath-tub-and-aircon dreams vanished but there’s still hope. So off we went to The Manila Peninsula just to get the same answer: “Sorry, we’re fully-booked.” But not giving up all hopes, we proceeded to the Mandarin hotel without any luck.

Our feet were tired but we had to get to somewhere for Halo’s sake. We took a break by going to Citibank Makati coz my hubby had to get money and pay for credit card bills. While waiting for Wacks to settle his transactions, I texted our college blockmate Zarah, who works in Citibank together with our other college blockmates, so she could see Halo. She replied excitedly. After a while, we saw her coming with Camille, her bestfriend and also our blockmate in college who was celebrating her birthday on that day. We chatted a little and took pictures before we said our goodbyes to continue with our “journey.” After trying even the cheap hotels with no luck at all, we decided to quit Makati and head to Pasay and Manila.

It was already 4 or 500 p.m. when we reached Pasay. It’s fully-booked in Heritage hotel. In Hyatt, the one beside San Juan de Dios Hospital, there are rooms available but there’s a catch… there’s also no electricity! Hahahaha! That was funny! I mean does the hotel staff honestly think they can attract customers even if they offer discounted rates? Yup, they said there are rooms but there’s no electricity so room rates have a 500 peso discount. 500 pesos! Hahahaha! That explains the empty parking lot. For a while there we thought we could finally check-in. With that, off we went to a number of other hotels, most of which I can barely remember the names, but still without any luck. By the time we decided to call it quits, my patience as well as my hubby’s had run out. Halo, our inspiration, was ever so jolly even if she was all sweaty and smelly (coz she hadn’t taken a bath) not knowing that what was happening to us was bad, real bad. Our nice-comfy-bed-and-buffet-breakfast-for-two dreams have totally, totally gone away… Now, we’re truly the Holy Family looking for a place to stay but were rejected. Poor us! So instead we spent the night at my mom’s place where there is water even if there is no electricity too.

Got another nice email from my Mareng Nicole. It says a lot about what most people my age are going through right now though I’m happy to say that I am yet to experience all of the things mentioned here. Probably I’m not yet suffering from the crisis.

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you
stop going along with the crowd and start realizing
that there are many things about yourself that you
didn’t know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will
be in a year or two, but then get scared because you
barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so
close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have
ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are
some of the most important ones. What you don’t
recognize is that they are realizing that too, and
aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that
they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to
what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are
looking for a job and realizing that you are going to
have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what
others are doing and find yourself judging more than
usual because suddenly you realize that you have
certain boundaries in your life and are constantly
adding things to your list of what is acceptable and
what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the
next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your
life. You feel alone and scared and confused.
Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on
to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the
past is
drifting further and further away, and there is
nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you
loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed
and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough
that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love
someone but love someone else too and cannot figure
out why you are doing this because you know that you
aren’t a bad person. One night stands and random hook
ups start to look cheap.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look
pathetic. You go through the same emotions and
questions over and over, and talk with your friends
about the same topics because you cannot seem to
make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a
life for yourself… and while winning the race would
be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this
relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times,
trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing
out.

Do you want to know what motherhood is all about? Listen to the words of a mother. From an anonymous source her words surely offers great encouragement. Listen carefully.

We are sitting at lunch when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We’re taking a survey," she says, half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?" "It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations…." But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moment’s hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby’s sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right. I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy’s desire to go to the men’s room rather than the women’s at McDonald’s will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years - not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a Caesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter’s relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children’s future.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts. My daughter’s quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You’ll never regret it," I finally say.

Then I reach across the table, squeeze my daughter’s hand and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings. This blessed gift from God . . . that of being a Mother.

I have been in a reflection mode these past few days and I couldn’t help but think about how life is one big irony. Then with that, one song always comes to mind: Alanis Morisette’s "Ironic". I’m not a big fan of Ms. Morisette. Heck, I’m not even a fan at all. But I marvel these words for they reflect life’s bitter reality (pessimistic? Deal with it.).

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay
It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isn’t it ironic … don’t you think

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

Now, I will be the nth person to put this excerpt from a Paulo Coelho work into her blog. Don’t blame me. It just simply fits me and everything that’s going on with me lately. Reading it makes me feel ok, if not better. Read on. You never know, it might touch you too. (Thanks, Aja, for this. Owe you one.)

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have  turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts -and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you
could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.